Carol
April 25/
My mom and dad were divorced when I was 2.
Looking back on my childhood I think I could
count on one hand the number of times I remember
seeing him. Divorce was not a common thing back
in the 50’s and 60’s and I remember crying a lot and
asking God “Why doesn’t my daddy love me, why doesn’t
he want me?”
When I was in Jr. High school my friend’s parents paid for me to go a Christian Camp with my friend. Since I was very shy and very quiet I felt out of place. I remember sitting by a tree and looking at the clouds and asking the same question “Why didn’t my father love me?” I opened up to a counselor and she told me I did have a Father who loved me and would never, ever leave me. She told me about Jesus and it was then I asked him into my heart.
I might have seen my father a few times during the following years. Those times were still difficult and I usually ended up in tears. During that time he married and divorced his 4th wife and had 2 more daughters. I always envied them because he was in their lives and not in mine. Life went on and I didn’t think too much abut my father. My Christian walk was a series of ups and downs.
About 14 years ago I started attending First Assembly. One Sunday a woman was speaking and told a story of her father that was very similar to mine. She said she had written to her father and told him that she forgave him. Still being the very quiet person I was I approached her with a question I needed to know the answer to. “Was it worth it?” I asked her. She said “It was for me”. I knew I had forgiven my father over the years because I believed Jesus died for me and that I had been forgiven. But I needed to do more. I wrote him and told him I forgave him and why. I knew He didn’t even think he did anything wrong that needed forgiving. I wrote, knowing that I would never get an answer, and I didn’t. But God gave me a peace about the relationship I never had before.
About 5 years ago one of my half sisters from marriage #4 contacted me and wanted to get to know me. She lived with our father, along with her 3rd husband and children. She drove 4 hours to meet me and we kept in contact. Shortly after my father got ill and had to have a kidney removed. A couple weeks after the surgery he told my sister he wanted her to bring him up to see me. It was hard to believe that this small frail old man could have hurt so many people in his life. He later developed bone cancer and was dying. I visited a few times and learned from my sister a lot about her childhood. My father was an alcoholic. Both daughters had so many problems, hurts, and addictions. Their lives were far from the perfect father/daughter relationships I had envisioned.
The last week of his life the Lord allowed me to be at his bedside in the hospital. He knew I had come but was on so much morphine he was not conscious most of the time. Not knowing, but hoping he could hear me, when we were alone I shared Jesus with him and told him it was not too late to ask God to forgive him. That he could be in heaven and I would see him again and we could get to know each other there. Toward the end, with his daughters and friends around, I heard more of his past and the life style he had lead.
When realization finally hits its overwhelming. All I could think was “Thank You Lord” “Thank you for keeping this man out of my life.” After almost 50 years, the little girl who had cried out to God “Why, why didn’t I have a father?” got her answer. “That’s why” He told me. You see I would not have found Christ when I did and I never would have become the woman I am today if my father had been in my life. I believe God let me find my father at the end of his life and had prepared me all those years to share Christ’s love with him.
After the funeral my sister was telling me of one time when our dad was really fighting treatments. He was insistent that she bring him up to see me again. When she asked why he said “because she forgives me”.
When I was in Jr. High school my friend’s parents paid for me to go a Christian Camp with my friend. Since I was very shy and very quiet I felt out of place. I remember sitting by a tree and looking at the clouds and asking the same question “Why didn’t my father love me?” I opened up to a counselor and she told me I did have a Father who loved me and would never, ever leave me. She told me about Jesus and it was then I asked him into my heart.
I might have seen my father a few times during the following years. Those times were still difficult and I usually ended up in tears. During that time he married and divorced his 4th wife and had 2 more daughters. I always envied them because he was in their lives and not in mine. Life went on and I didn’t think too much abut my father. My Christian walk was a series of ups and downs.
About 14 years ago I started attending First Assembly. One Sunday a woman was speaking and told a story of her father that was very similar to mine. She said she had written to her father and told him that she forgave him. Still being the very quiet person I was I approached her with a question I needed to know the answer to. “Was it worth it?” I asked her. She said “It was for me”. I knew I had forgiven my father over the years because I believed Jesus died for me and that I had been forgiven. But I needed to do more. I wrote him and told him I forgave him and why. I knew He didn’t even think he did anything wrong that needed forgiving. I wrote, knowing that I would never get an answer, and I didn’t. But God gave me a peace about the relationship I never had before.
About 5 years ago one of my half sisters from marriage #4 contacted me and wanted to get to know me. She lived with our father, along with her 3rd husband and children. She drove 4 hours to meet me and we kept in contact. Shortly after my father got ill and had to have a kidney removed. A couple weeks after the surgery he told my sister he wanted her to bring him up to see me. It was hard to believe that this small frail old man could have hurt so many people in his life. He later developed bone cancer and was dying. I visited a few times and learned from my sister a lot about her childhood. My father was an alcoholic. Both daughters had so many problems, hurts, and addictions. Their lives were far from the perfect father/daughter relationships I had envisioned.
The last week of his life the Lord allowed me to be at his bedside in the hospital. He knew I had come but was on so much morphine he was not conscious most of the time. Not knowing, but hoping he could hear me, when we were alone I shared Jesus with him and told him it was not too late to ask God to forgive him. That he could be in heaven and I would see him again and we could get to know each other there. Toward the end, with his daughters and friends around, I heard more of his past and the life style he had lead.
When realization finally hits its overwhelming. All I could think was “Thank You Lord” “Thank you for keeping this man out of my life.” After almost 50 years, the little girl who had cried out to God “Why, why didn’t I have a father?” got her answer. “That’s why” He told me. You see I would not have found Christ when I did and I never would have become the woman I am today if my father had been in my life. I believe God let me find my father at the end of his life and had prepared me all those years to share Christ’s love with him.
After the funeral my sister was telling me of one time when our dad was really fighting treatments. He was insistent that she bring him up to see me again. When she asked why he said “because she forgives me”.
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